I can physically feel the tension between my mortality and eternity - the already not yet of my salvation being worked out on a cosmic scale. I am learning to let my suffering serve as a constant reminder of the hope that is ahead of me. It's like the Lord has placed an invisible crown on my head - a crown that this world cannot see, but I can feel because it is heavy with the weight of glory - a glory that is being worked out as my faith is refined through suffering.

I understand the desire to preserve the morality of our society and protect the future of our children and grandchildren, but if we want to preserve anything for future generations, we need to double-down on preserving the power and purity of the gospel. Before we make a spectacle of the sin of others, lets repent of our own depravity and elevate the miracle of our redemption.

I wanted the victory story. I wanted a healthy, functioning body and I was willing to do just about anything to get it. No one blamed me for wanting this, so no one held me accountable when this consuming desire gave birth to sin in my heart.

I have heard first-hand stories of people who have walked away from their faith as a result of the failures of someone they looked up to in the Church. This is what happens when our affections are more attached to a person rather than to Jesus. God does not want our second-hand worship. He is a jealous God and knows if He is not first in our lives we will be on a fast-track to destruction.

Through the first advent of Christ God revealed the paradox of redemption; He brings life out of death; joy out of sorrow; and purpose out of our pain. If the founder of our salvation was made perfect through His suffering, then we too will be made perfect and complete through our suffering. I’m so thankful to live on this side of the cross where these truths have been made known. We are the most privileged among the saints - to live between the two Advents - where the mysterious workings of our salvation have been revealed. 

If we can’t have clarity on God’s design for gender distinctions in the Church, how can we effectively shine the light of truth in a culture that has lost its way on this issue? It only takes a moment of reading current headlines to see that our world is being turned inside out and upside down regarding God’s design for gender.

When I become aware of the roots of my anxiety, it helps me to redirect the affections of my heart. I have to be willing to lay down my hopes, dreams, desires, and all the ways I imagined my life would be and trust wholeheartedly in the goodness and sovereignty of God. When I shift my focus from strategizing and problem solving my future to entrusting my life to a sovereign God who loves me and gave Himself for me, everything changes. 

“If we believe only what we want to believe and reject what we don’t want to believe, then it isn’t the Bible we believe but ourselves.” - Augustine

As I process my reality, I feel like I have a case of spiritual whiplash. For so many years I assumed that God was going to be glorified through my healing, but now I am confronted with the reality that my physical healing may not be the means by which God is most glorified in my life. As I learn to let go of my expectations and yield my heart to the sovereign will of God, He is showing me how I need to adjust my theology.

I have felt God awaken so much in me as He has been unraveling my concept of Church. Church used to be something I did, now it is something I am.